We would like some rewrites on this app, please; personality and third-person sample
The personality section should not be framed as a bullet list, where traits are listed and explained as if in a dictionary. We realize extrapolation is needed for a character like Kai but for certain facets of his personality there should be more examples to back up why he has these traits and why he is the way he is. There is a good foundation present but it needs some more polish.
The third person sample does not convey Kai's personality very well. There is too much focus on Vinnie and Max, rendering Kai as more of a background figure than the central piece of the sample as he should. It is not easy to get a sense of what Kai is like because of this. Please rewrite a third person sample that better illustrates Kai's voice, or body language/gestures and overall character.
Moderator review
The personality section should not be framed as a bullet list, where traits are listed and explained as if in a dictionary. We realize extrapolation is needed for a character like Kai but for certain facets of his personality there should be more examples to back up why he has these traits and why he is the way he is. There is a good foundation present but it needs some more polish.
The third person sample does not convey Kai's personality very well. There is too much focus on Vinnie and Max, rendering Kai as more of a background figure than the central piece of the sample as he should. It is not easy to get a sense of what Kai is like because of this. Please rewrite a third person sample that better illustrates Kai's voice, or body language/gestures and overall character.